Thursday, January 21, 2010

Tale of a TAINTED Ninja

I originally wrote this in February of 2007 for TAINTED, a local band here in Wichita, Kansas. Tim Bravo, of TAINTED, inserted his own commentary to set up the story and explain the references towards TAINTED’s songs.


*** The following blog was originally posted on TAINTED's MySpace page. Reposted with permission***

The following is the first of two short stories written by Aron, February's TAINTED Ninja of the Month. Observe thoroughly the intellectual stealth he employs in his bid for the black belt of TAINT. For chrissakes, he even includes a reference to a song by our homies in .end of story [for the record, Skot Reed of the same is Aron's uncle].

Incense burning. Meditating in the TAINTED Dojo of Doom, reflecting upon the near fatal mistake of my last endeavor…

Being the new "Chosen One" of my clan, I was enjoying a "ninja night off" and taking in the city night life. A 21ST CENTURY FREEDOM that my ancestors could not enjoy
without a crazy-ass, drunken samurai getting all up in their face and wanting to compare the size of their swords. I swear…samurais are a truly jealous lot, when it comes to a ninja's sword.

The night was still young when things got a little worse for wear. I spotted a couple of members from a rival clan. Being in a peacefully intoxicated mood, I reckon I don't have no reason to kill nobody. mmm hmmm!
I escaped the area in a super stealthy ninja smoke induced abyss and was able to move clear of mine enemies UNSEEN.

Having squeaked by that sticky situation, I went on to the next hot spot, the place where my near fatal mistake was to occur.

I walked into the club and, immediately, my eyes drank in the vision of my one true weakness…a beautiful blonde! She was bent over, adjusting the strap on one of her high heels. I became DISTRACTED even more when I noticed the tattoo on the small of her back; a single Asian symbol. From my teachings, I gathered that it was Chinese for "Aim here!"

Seeing that, caused me to lose my .equilibrium and the next thing I knew, I was FALLING DOWN! When I came to, she was asking me if I was alright.

"Oh, no!", I told myself.
"Don't look into her…beautiful…blue…eyes…"

Shit! I'm done for! I think now, I'm in LOVE AND CRAZY!

As I sit here cursing myself for my mistake, in the TAINTED Dojo of Doom, I await my master. Once I tell him, I'll for sure get it upside the head with the TAINTED Nunchucks of Pain! Ouch!

Just one of the many trials on my journey down the road, seeking the ultimate honor…the mantle of a TAINTED ninja.
After reading the above story, I challenged our little grasshopper to reach deeper into his inner ninja to grasp his true taint. He'd done an excellent job working in the song titles from the Bridging the Gap CD - but missing were all the new originals we've not yet recorded [edging closer to starting work on an album, btw].
Aron truly went above and beyond with this piece. His journey is complete. He IS a true ninja! Behold:
Where am I? And what's that horrid smell? My vision's blurry. Am I going blind? Through the haze, I can see a single candle burning.

"Lay still. You've been badly hurt.", I hear from the shadows. "You were bleeding from the eyes and ears when I found you. Your body has been singed."

That would explain the feeling of being WASTED, along with the horrid smell.

"Drink this. It will help."

I struggle to hold the cup to my lips, but now I know where I am. I am in my living quarters in the TAINTED Dojo of Doom. The horrid smell is quite obvious to me now, as well. It's the master's miracle ninja healing potion.

Now you ask, what the hell happened to me? Why do I look like I have been given the mother of all ass kickings? Allow me to tell you a story, BRIDGING THE GAP between now and how I came to be THIS WAY.

It was a simple mission. One my master thought could be handled by me, alone. An easy task on my way to becoming a TAINTED ninja. A seek and destroy mission. Find my prey and kill silently from the shadows. That's how ninja's roll! Contrary to popular belief, ninjas don't run around out in the open, striking down what gets in their way, like in the classic video game series, “Ninja Gaiden”. That's all horse shit, my friend. If you want something authentic, find an installment of the “Tenchu” series. Anyway, enough of the advertising plugs. Back to my story…

Wade Irvine owned a local toy store in the neighborhood. Irvine is a fat and smelly thing, which would explain why he lives alone in the back of his store, as well. He makes a living, while getting to know the children of the city, by day. By night, he uses his familiar face with the kids and an excuse of not being able to find his dog, to lure kids away from their safe neighborhood streets and into his van to touch their no-no's and to hack them into pieces. Which order he does this in, nobody knows. The police have suspected and have tried to take him down numerous times, but they never have anything that will stick. Tonight, the TAINTED master sends me after him, in the form of swift justice.

I'm perched on the back roof of a pharmacy that is across the alley from the rear of Wade's store. A shuriken to the nearest street lamp gives me the perfect cover I need, while I await his return home. The familiar scent of approaching rain, lingers in the wind.

Fifteen minutes pass and now his brown van pulls up. Wade emerges from the van, carrying a large plastic bag. I ready a poisoned dart in my blow gun, aim for the jugular, and let it fly. Game over. Wade's bag drops and he falls to his knees, clutching his neck. A small arm, wearing a pink, Hello Kitty watch, spills forth from the bag. The sick fuck! He's had his last victim as he crashes face down and begins to convulse. His fatty rolls resemble a violent Jell-O mold before he becomes still.

I tuck away my blow gun and start to leave as I hear a shuffle from bellow. What the hell?! Wade is to his feet and is reclaiming his bag! I instinctively hurl a throwing dagger straight into his heart. Wade staggers back, but then turns away and heads for his store's back entrance. Why won't this fat fuck die?!

I jump in a high arc, flip, and land directly in front of him. The rain has now arrived in a downpour. I look him in the eye. He doesn't know that he's the first of my prey to have this privilege. Extending my gauntlet blades (not as cool as Wolverine's claws, but they get the job done), I slice into his throat. My dart from earlier falls to the ground and Wade goes wide-eyed.

"You!", he gurgles.
"Why won't you just die?", I growl in response.
"If I die at your hand tonight, may you go straight to Hell and forever live in the fiery lake of the FALLEN ANGELS!", he whistles through his neck.
"You've seen way too many B-movies!"
"No," he gags. "try, “Dying Curses for Dummies”, on sale now at Borders and where other fine books are sold!"

Damn! That line of books has gotten way outta hand! Fuck this! This shit ends right here, right now! Angrily, I unsheathe my sword (not the TAINTED Katana of Kick-Ass, but a super cool ninja sword in its own right) and I take his head, MacLeod style! Only without the lightening and transfer of powe….


Lightening jolts through my sword and I'm levitated off the ground! No strength to scream as pain sears through my body. I only have time for one thought…this part never really happens in real life! Wait! Oh, shit! Ben Pringle was actually right about a storm, for once! Damn me for blowing off the weather report!
The pavement below me opens up and, as Wade said, I am swallowed by Hell!

I am relieved to know that I'm not dead, at least not yet. I, FOREIGN EYE, in this strange land of damnation, have become the only living being to witness the actual realms of Hell. Satan, himself, greets me as I rise to my feet. With the very sight of the father of lies, the unholiest of all creatures before me, one would think that I would have been scared shitless. Nope. I was once married to his sister. He gave us a really nice Grandfather clock as a wedding gift.

"I'd like to thank you for delivering me that fat, sick fuck. But I so wish that you would have left his head on. You've ruined half my fun! I know what you're thinking and, no, it's not your time. You have so much, still, that you seek. And besides, I have to get to bed. I don't want to keep Saddam waiting any longer. I do wish, though, that things would have worked out with you and my sister. Farewell. You are hereby released."

My ears fill with my own blood, stealing my sense of hearing. My tear ducts stream with the same, turning my vision red and then fading to black. The last I remember is vast nothingness.


"So let me get this straight, my young pupil. You drew your sword in the middle of a storm?"
"Yes! He was pissing me off! He just wouldn't die!"
"My son, is it wise to play softball in a storm?"
"No, sensei, it is not. The aluminum bat would attract the…"
"So as it is not wise to wield a sword in a storm."
"But I had no other plan! That fat ass was seriously pissing me off!"
"That was ill-planning, my son. What do the ancient scrolls tell us of this?"
"That a plan BORN OF FRUSTRATION is an ill-plan, indeed."
"Correct. Now get your rest. Your judgment comes soon, but your fate lies in the hands of the TAINTED ones now."
"Master…what if I fail?"
"You tell me. What if you fail?"
"Then I'll try again."
"No, my son. A wise man once said, 'Do, or do not. There is no try'."

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